One Last Time
by mur xo
Summary: Clare and Eli never imagined they would be parents so young, but they could never fathom the idea that they would be a mom and a dad without a child.


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Degrassi or the characters or the heartbreaking plot line.

 **Author's Note:** I'm not too sure if there are any Degrassi fanfic readers still out here on FFN, but I wanted to write this one last fanfic before our beloved Clare graduates. This last Eclare plot has really hit home for me. I debated on whether or not I wanted to write about it. I wrote this chapter four different times. I've stopped several times, not sure if I really wanted to do this, but ultimately here I am. This will be a four or five shot, depending on where Degrassi takes the plot line. You can expect the next update tomorrow night. I have not written fanfic in a very long time, so I apologize for being rusty.

 **Additional Note:** If you or a loved one has lost a child or a baby, please know that there are excellent resources out there for help and support. is one of many of those amazing resources. Please note that this covers the sensitive subject of loss and grief, so read at your own discretion.

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 **ONE LAST TIME**

 **PART I**

 _"Someone told me long ago, there's a calm before the storm..."_

Numb. That's how I felt. I heard the devastating news the doctor was saying. I felt the pressure of Eli's hand squeezing mine for comfort. But I didn't _process_ any of it. After everything, after all I went through, this was not happening. I wouldn't, _couldn't,_ accept it. I was not going to let this destroy me, like the initial news of the pregnancy almost did, like the breakup with Eli almost did...like the cancer almost did.

The car ride to school from the hospital was uncomfortable. I held the blue paper the doctor had given me in my hands, staring blankly at words like _commemorate_ and _arrangements_. My mind was already shuffling through the practical details. I would have to eventually get the procedure done and come up with a burial plan for it... for _him_. Where would we bury him? Should we have a ceremony? What was the cost of burying a fetus? Stoically I went through the decisions that would have to be made and I hated the burden that was unwillingly placed on my shoulders.

"You're sure you want to go to school today? I could just take you home and we could talk about what happened."

Just like that, Eli had snapped me back to reality, back to the present moment. It took all of my willpower not to lose my temper at Eli's suggestion. I did not want to discuss it. I did not want to think about it. I did not want to acknowledge it – not out loud, at least.

"No. I have a presentation today in Perino's class. Ali and Jenna are counting on me." My tone was firm. I tried to leave no room for argument.

"Clare, I'm sure that Ali and Jenna would understand." Eli's tone was placating, as if he was speaking to an inconsolable child, which did nothing to ease the bubble of anger building inside of me. He took one hand off of the steering wheel and reached for my arm, but I had already instinctively pulled away. His attempt at comfort made me instantly sick to my stomach.

"Just get me there."

When Eli pulled up to Degrassi, he parked in the front lot and we both got out of the car. Eli walked around to the passenger side and handed me the keys. Before I could ask what he was doing, he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and turned his gaze toward the ground, purposely avoiding any eye contact with me.

"I'm going to walk home. This way you'll have the car," he stated softly, the words _in case you change your mind,_ left unspoken.

I pocketed the keys and grabbed my bag, the blue paper still held firmly in my hand. "See you later," I muttered harshly in Eli's direction, before heading up the stairs two at a time, in a hurry to disappear.

Classes had already started and I was uncharacteristically late for my first class. I excused myself as I entered the classroom and silently took my seat, the lesson continuing despite my disruption. I didn't take my notebook out like I normally would have. I didn't throw my hand up to counter what the teacher was saying, or to add my two cents in. My eyes were glued to the blue paper in front of me and I felt the familiar dizzying feeling of panic well up inside of me.

The checklist was absurd. How could a woman who was supposed to become a mother settle for two or three items on a checklist in place of her child? Who would want this? What mother would want to commemorate the life of her unborn child? I wanted to crumple up the paper and throw it away, but I couldn't. For some reason I couldn't take my focus off of the listed items.

I tried to picture my life five years from now. Would I regret not having a keepsake, not keeping a lock of hair or a footprint? Would Eli regret it? I looked around the room and felt jealousy settling in the pit of my stomach. A girl was flirting with a boy, passing notes back and forth to each other when the teacher turned his back. A group of girls in the back were hiding giggles behind their textbooks. It was all so normal and carefree, so _high school_. It wasn't fair that the biggest concern for my peers was that they might get a detention and mine was whether or not I wanted to hold my dead, stillborn baby.

The bell finally rang before I had a chance to let the tears that were threatening to fall spill down my cheeks. I took a deep breath and hurriedly collected my bag and books before beelining it for the door. I was the first student out of the class and I made sure to keep my eyes on the ground, aiming to look as uninviting as possible. The last thing I needed was any forced casual conversation.

The first bell rang as I entered the classroom and I was relieved to find I had arrived before Ali or Jenna. The haunting paper from the doctor's office was still grasped in my hand and I gently smoothed it out on the top of my desk. Again, I found my eyes trailing over the checklist and re-reading the list of things I should be prepared for when it came time for the procedure. Would I want to hold him? Would I want to bathe him and dress him? Would I want to spend time with him before the hospital staff took him away – away forever? My mind couldn't fathom the emotional depth behind those questions. They were just words on a sheet of paper and no matter how many times I read over the different tips and suggestions, I couldn't begin to comprehend what they actually meant.

My thought process was interrupted abruptly by Ali and Jenna, who seemed annoyingly pleased with themselves. They were waving props for our presentation in my face and they were speaking with their usual amount of animation, but I wasn't really listening. I half heartedly responded to some of their comments, chiming in so that it seemed like I was paying attention. It wasn't until the words " _baby Goldsworthy_ " came up that I really tuned in. I felt like the walls were closing in on me and it was getting increasingly more difficult to breathe. Without a second thought, I stood up and left, not caring that Eli was right, that school had been a terrible idea. I couldn't go through the motions of my everyday life. I needed something else, something _more,_ something to feel alive again. And I knew just the thing.

"Wait – Where are you going? We present in like ten minutes, what am I supposed to tell Perino?" Jenna's voice was full of exasperation, but my mind was already made up and I was already halfway out the door.

"Tell him I'm illustrating how Amelia Earhart left and never came back." And with that I continued walking, out of the classroom, out of the hallway and out of the double glass doors of Degrassi.

It was then that I realized how eternally grateful I was that Eli had left me with the car keys. I started the car and before I even put it into drive, I scrolled through my music selection. I settled on a song that I knew by heart, that I could sing along to and find some kind of solace in. As soon as the familiar tune started blaring through the car speakers, I put my foot on the gas and peeled out of Degrassi's parking lot. I had my final destination in mind and I had a plan in place. After all, would I be Clare Edwards without a master plan?

Just before the chorus came on, I was interrupted. My phone buzzed and Eli's face came on the screen. Without any inhibition I clicked the red decline button and continued singing. Eli would not support my plan, of that I was almost sure. He wanted to talk about everything and I wasn't ready yet. I didn't want to let the harsh reality of losing a child set in, not before I went to Columbia and took back my admission spot I grudgingly had to give up because of the pregnancy.

My phone buzzed again and Eli's face lit up the screen once more. I was annoyed when I answered and I made sure that Eli realized I was not happy with him. Ali and Jenna informed him I had left school and he wanted to talk, exactly what I had expected. I knew fighting with him now would do absolutely no good, so I made an impulsive decision to pick him up and bring him along on my journey to New York.

As soon as he got in the car, I laid down the law.

"You are here to support me. I do not want to talk about it. Can you handle that?"

"Yes," he replied, but I could tell in his eyes he was lying. "But you heard the doctor, we should probably look into..."

Of course there was a but. I snapped at him. I had warned him, either support me or I'm making this trip alone. He should have listened up the first time. That seemed to get his attention and I saw out of the corner of my eyes that he put his hands up in mock surrender.

"Next stop, New York City," I said with a lot more confidence than I felt. Eli turned to look at me like I was crazy, but he stayed silent.

The silence was comforting and more than welcomed. I prayed it would stay like this, just the two of us enjoying each other's company, without the need to voice our thoughts and fears. Of course I wouldn't be so lucky...

"What do you think we should name him? Adam still?"

I almost chocked on the water I had just taken a sip of. We weren't even out of Toronto and Eli just jumped in, going straight for the punch.

"What part of 'I do not want to talk about it' was unclear to you?" My tone was incredulous, which was warranted under the circumstances. I wanted to answer that there was no _him_ to name, that we were getting robbed of the chance to meet our son, our first born, but I couldn't verbalize those thoughts, because then they would be out there in the open and I would be forced to face the repercussions.

"We will have to talk about it sometime."

No shit, Sherlock. That was inevitable. You don't just lose a child and sweep it under the rug, but right now I had to focus all of my energy on something else. I was clinging to the one positive in my life, praying that it would not let me down. If I could just get into Columbia, maybe I could then find some meaning in all of this. It would not justify the loss of my baby, but it would help ease the heartache, if only marginally.

"We are not talking about this right now," I replied coldly, reaching over to turn the music back on full volume. I had turned it off when I picked Eli up, but if I could fill the car with blaring music, whatever Eli attempted to say to me would be left unheard, and perhaps it could drown out the thoughts running through my head.

I realized before we got onto the highway that we should probably make a rest stop. We would be on the road for a long time and I wasn't too familiar with the rest stops en route to New York.

I pulled into the rest stop area and parked the car. Eli turned to me, hopeful that I had a change of heart.

"New York?" He had the audacity to question. He didn't even try to hide the misplaced relief he felt.

"Pit stop first, then New York."

With that, I got out of the car and slammed the door, leaving Eli behind.

It was going to be a very long drive to Columbia.

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As always, reviews from wonderful readers like you are more than greatly appreciated.

\- Mur


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